The sun begins to descend into the mountainside and we realize we have once again been captivated by the picturesque view of the African skyline. Realizing natural light is dissipating and darkness is soon to settle in our hike turns into a race against the clock. Us versus Time. We scan the horizon to see the best path. Spotting one, without thinking we trust our judgment and begin the trek down the rocky path. Halfway down I come to a halt. I look up and see the people in front of me strain farther ahead. I’m at a standstill, stuck, balancing on two unstable rocks that are at any moment going to give way. For those of you who know me then you fully understand that I am not an “outdoorsy” person. I’m clumsy, unbalanced, and cannot walk in a straight line on level ground. So you can imagine the predicament I had gotten myself into on a path full of uneven surfaces and thorny plants.
As I cautiously sway back and forth, quickly trying to formulate the best strategy to avoid the big fall, I hear the girls in front of me saying just jump, let go. I think let go? Are they crazy? At that point I think okay, I have two options; I can trust what they say and hope I survive or I can stand immobile, stuck, bringing myself and the group down. I take a personal leap of faith and let go. Immediately, I stumble but find myself in the arms of safety. Hands had stopped what would have been a disastrous face plant. A couple of laughs and a sigh of relief on my end are exchanged and we are back following the arduously rocky but adventurous path home.
Continuing to play in what seemed like a long, tiresome, game of follow the leader I found myself repeating let go, let go, let go, letting go, the rest of the walk home. I repeated the words to myself silently and wondered, God what do I need to let go? Why does this one phrase keep recurring in my mind like a broken record? Am I not giving something up? There were of course various trivial topics that entered my head but deep down I knew what I needed to finally let go of.
I think often times when one is bothered or upset, as humans, it is our nature to put up walls and say we are okay or fine. We have become great actors in creating facades that mask our true emotions or feelings. I myself have become a master in the art of personal trickery. In many cases when I am upset I force myself to act okay and eventually I trick myself into really believing and feeling okay. Ninety-nine percent of the time this puts a band-aid on my wound for a short period of time. What I never realize is underneath the strong exteriors of my band-aid I am only creating a deep, septic wound that will eventually need to be examined and fixed in order for me to move forward.
Understanding that I needed to face a couple of subjects in my life and really give them up to the Lord I thought how? The few thoughts that penetrated my mind were ones that I hadn’t faced or thought about in months. Honestly, I had felt that I was okay. Once again without meaning I use the word “okay”. The word itself needs to be removed from my vocabulary! It took me a moment to really say maybe I am not okay. Maybe I ran from my emotions when I needed to jump in the ring and confront them face to face. Maybe I had let words rule over my actions. Though I had on multiple occasions spoken to the Lord and asked him to walk with me in my struggles and help me be more than okay; I wonder did I really mean it? Did I truly lift my anxieties and worries into His hands? To be boldly honest with myself I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to be freed of memories and thoughts that lingered in my heart.
Since the hike yesterday evening I have been struggling with figuring out exactly how to truly let myself let something or someone go. I am an emotional person. Unlike others, I do not easily forget or let go. I am a “packrat”. Anything that is at all sentimental to me I keep. Even if in the long run what I need to let go may be beneficial to my well being I struggle with giving it up. What scares me the most is when we give something up to the Lord we ultimately lose control over the situation. We have been raised in a world that yearns to control everything! Why are we so afraid to truly lose control over our lives?
Honestly, I have read this paragraph over and over and wish I had an exact answer. But I don’t. At this point I have to turn to faith. Faith that through constant communication and prayer the Lord will enlighten me with the answers I seek. In John 14:6 Jesus says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen Him” I have to have faith that this is the truth. We have to believe that in Him we have everything we need for both this life and for the life that is yet to come. The challenge is to keep our eyes fixated on the Lord when there are times of trial, bewilderment, and confusion. Remain steadfast in Him.
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